And ... I'm Back
Funny how life works. No sooner had I announced I'd be taking a blog-writing hiatus than a handful of new people went and subscribed to it. Somehow they found me in the vast and impersonal world of the internet. I like to assign meaning to these kinds of things so I'm gonna go ahead and thank the Universe for its mysterious machinations. And to my new subscribers for hopping on board!
I talk a big game about gratitude and trust, hope and faith and yet, I have been fairly numb to it all for months. It's hard to hang on to ideals noble and ephemeral when all around me boots are on the ground stomping the f* out of all that's good and decent. Too hyperbolic? (And while we're at it, is the use of too here redundant?)
The good news is we have an organic veg garden now. No, I did not install it - that would have required digging in the dirt and running the risk of encountering those repulsive ghostly translucent garden spiders. Blech. Oh, how I wish I was one of those dirt-loving gals but I'm just not. Give me birds, give me chipmunks, give me rabbits but please god, leave the insects where I cannot see them.
Remember being a kid and picking up all manner of critters? Slippery frogs and warty toads that peed in your palm. Ants, beetles, and snakes. Butterflies, moths, dragonflies. I loved to fish; winding my own worm around the hook, gutting my catch, picking at the innards in abject fascination. One time, we wandered down the country road to a neighbour's field where we marvelled at the rotting carcass of a cow that had been killed by lightning. Childhood didn't get much better than that.
I think that's what I am longing for - the fascination of the newly discoverable. Wonder and curiosity, making sense of a world that has its own order. If there's one thing Mother Nature reminds me, it's that her's is a world of abundance and renewal and balance.
There exists a steadiness and a predictability. I know that the sun will come up every morning and the birds will begin their day earlier than I will. I know that every Spring my little pond will attract frogs and snakes and provide water to the other thirsty critters. I know that the dandelions will grow in legions and the bees will find them. And, I know that in Fall, all of this will come to a gradual, natural end and that in Winter, it will sleep.
I also know that the chaotic episodes like tornadoes, and forest fires, and earthquakes are just acts of rebalancing and, so, have a kind of logic of their own.
When I can't sleep at night which is every night, let's be real, I do the times tables in my head. I start with one times one equals one. One times two equals two. And I run it all the way up to twelve times twelve equals one hundred and forty-four. Sometimes I change it up and start at the end. There are a few that tend to catch me up and I have to puzzle them out. Somewhere in there I fall back to sleep.
Math is definitely not my thing. I struggled with it after grade six (fun fact: if girls are going to lose interest in math, it starts around the age of 12. Why? Because we're socialized to believe only boys are good at it plus, we are told, boys don't like smart girls). Anyhoo. I see now that I was overthinking math. My mind works differently: it is not linear, it is not solution-oriented. My thoughts are all over the place, running connections from this random thing to that. I don't like riddles for the same reason; one right answer to a question is so limiting, is it not? The art of bullshitting your way out of a mathematical equation is lost to math.
But now I find myself turning to its simplicity, its comforting one thing follows another logic, to combat the chaos outside the confines of my own mind which can be, yes, a shit show all its own but at least it's a known shit show, one I am intimately familiar with.
I thought I was going to take a break from writing this blog and, for the most part, I probably am. Till the Fall anyway, they will come at you randomly. I'm trying to find my way back to the good old days of humour, and good vibes. It's a struggle, not gonna lie. In the mean time, you are likely to find me in my new veg garden, writing at my desk, or sitting by my pond. These are my chaos-defying activities. Stop by anytime.