2026
The older I get, the less inclined I feel toward the freshness of a new year. At best, I look upon this time as an opportunity to exhale the crap of the previous year, and breathe in the possibilities of the coming one. I have had the habit of creating an Intentions and Gratitudes list in January of a new year but I currently just don’t have it in me to do. I’m still in the what’s the point? state of ennui.
I recently took a personality determination quiz , and was not at all surprised by the results. I am a Rebel which basically means you can’t tell me what to do but neither can I. Stubborn doesn’t begin to cover it. Internal and external stalemates are a running theme in my life. The arguments that go on in my head are endless and so is the shaming for being lazy, unmotivated, commitment-phobic etc. I’ve heard it all my life from my parents, teachers and inner critic who would say things like, “I just don’t understand you. You’re such a bright girl. Why can’t you commit to anything? Don’t you want to feel successful, like you’ve accomplished something?” I mean, on the inside, the answer was I think so but, also, the questions felt rhetorical and non-action oriented.
Story of my life.
I’ve registered for two online classes this Winter:
a deep dive, experiential study of Jungian psychology
an overview of the philosophy of Stoicism
My gut tells me that these are on the opposite ends of the meaning of life spectrum. The first is all about finding meaning in dreams, mythology, symbolism and synchronicities; the second is about how to avoid meaning in all facets of life and be happier for it.
They both represent aspects of my inner turmoil - a yearning for deep connection to my world and a desire to be free of it. I’ve often been caught out in black and white, absolute thinking (which apparently is a bad thing) but I’m also overly capable of seeing all sides to all things and getting lost in the details, seeing only the trees and not the forest.
Those are the times I wish I could shake and shimmy myself off like a drenched dog and be free of the complexities. I’m hoping that Carl and Seneca will provide the balance my brain needs.
Because, let’s face it, 2025 was a doozy of a dizzying circus, was it not? I’m looking for more grounded ways to navigate in 2026. I’m hoping that means more writing but who knows? That would mean winning the entirely too exhausting circular argument in my head. For now, I’ll take what my Rebel heart allows me to have.
Did you take the quiz? Any surprises there?